[ Jim hates that he's making Zell upset by talking about this. Hates that he felt that way in the first place, and more than it comes back sometimes when he doesn't want it to. ]

-But things have been different since I came back. [ Since this started, he doesn't say, but means. ] It hasn't been as hard to keep going, even when it feels pointless.

[ Maybe Jim should tell Zell more about how it felt, before he lashed out, why he'd done it. But he doesn't really know how, and it just comes out lamely: ]

I never wanted to die, though. Just to do something that mattered.