[ Jim had been too absorbed in the conversation to notice Zell's reaction, and he's still struggling with everything that the talk brought up. His instinct is to do that struggling alone - the same way he's solved every emotional problem since his father left and the weird rift happened between he and his mom - rather than drag Zell into it, but he's almost pathetically grateful to be close again when Zell joins him under the covers.
His pulse picks up, just a little, the way it usually does these days when Zell touches him. The smile that usually comes with it is absent, but he's content enough to let himself be pulled and burrow in. ]
Mm?
[ He doesn't return the pet name, but his hand does find its way to Zell's damp hair. ]
[The usual smile is absent from Zell's face. He's tense and trying to figure the best way to approach this. Braining out the words to say isn't really his strong suit. This is also too important to ignore. Letting out a huff of breath as he gives Jim a squeeze.]
You tell me. Is everything alright? [Leaning into the hand in his hair.] Is everything still the same stupid stuff to you? [He couldn't stop the crack in his voice as his emotions threaten to spill out. He knows they made a pact. Knows Jim wouldn't ever do something like that again, but he has to wonder if it's only because of how much it hurt the group.]
[ The absence of a smile makes Jim tense in turn, unsure where this is going until -
Oh. That. That's kind of the last thing Jim wants to talk about, with anybody, but his own fault for not making the conversation private and text. His arms tighten around Zell and he's quiet for a long time. He could lie - blow it off, make it a joke or just refuse to talk about it at all - but he owes Zell more than that. It's why he forces the words out, even if he won't look at Zell while he's talking. ]
Sometimes. [ It's a whisper. ] It's - you know how it is. Like he said. You keep walking in circles and usually nothing changes except to get worse and we're - we're helpless. I hate...
[ He trails off, takes a deep breath against Zell's clean skin. ] But -
[The silence is heavy and it's taking every ounce of his will not to get up and pace. He's watching Jim, wondering if he isn't happy that Zell heard it. Is he going to even talk about it?
Once Jim starts talking, he'll release a breath he didn't even know he was holding.
When Jim says I hate, Zell finds himself cringing again. There is a sharp ache inside of him and he almost misses the but at the end of that. It feels like there is a lump in his throat and he tries to gulp it down.]
[ Jim hates that he's making Zell upset by talking about this. Hates that he felt that way in the first place, and more than it comes back sometimes when he doesn't want it to. ]
-But things have been different since I came back. [ Since this started, he doesn't say, but means. ] It hasn't been as hard to keep going, even when it feels pointless.
[ Maybe Jim should tell Zell more about how it felt, before he lashed out, why he'd done it. But he doesn't really know how, and it just comes out lamely: ]
I never wanted to die, though. Just to do something that mattered.
[While Zell hates feeling useless with helping him. It's almost as bad as that time where he could hear Jim breaking down and a door stood between them. At least now he has Jim in his arms and he's talking about it.
Reaching up to cup the side of Jim's face. Brushing his thumb along his cheekbone as he listens patiently.
Hearing him say he never wanted to die does ease some of the wretched feeling. Things are different since he came back. He did say it just makes everyone sad to Emma.
Slowly relaxing a bit, but still not quite fully smiling. Burrowing his face against Jim's hair as he breathes in deeply.]
Do you know why I call you Stars? [And time to lay on the sap to his boyfriend. He's not even sure if it'll even help, but he wants to say it.] Because you're my light in the darkness. [Pressing a kiss against him.] You made all of this better. You're bright, amazing, and I feel like I can do anything when you're near. [So, Jim has mattered and still matters to Zell.]
[ Jim's hand comes up in a mirror of Zell's to cup his face, his thumb resting still just under Zell's eye. His own breath catches in his throat and he's caught in a memory for just a moment. A memory of someone else believing in him that much, but this is real.
Jim pulls back enough to prop himself up on one elbow and study Zell's face as best he can with the tablet's light. It's sharp edges and bright blue eyes full of feelings and soft blond hair, and Jim's chest is tight with the emotion it inspires. He swallows hard a few times before giving up on speaking and sealing a kiss against Zell's lips instead. He hopes Zell gets it, what he means. How he feels. ]
Thank you., [ He whispers into Zell's lips, nearly unintelligible. ] Thank you.
[Searching Jim's eyes for his words to actually hit home. Maybe he should consider writing compliments on his boyfriend like he told Zack. Then he sees it. He sees the emotions etched across Jim's features and Zell finds himself wondering if anyone has told Jim how wonderful he is. If anyone has actually taken the time to let him know he's beautiful and brilliant.
He barely makes out the thank yous as he reciprocates the kiss with a few of his own. Threading his fingers in Jim's hair to keep him in kissing distance.]
I'll remind you every time you need it. [Giving another smooch.] And any time you don't.
[He can feel the bed shifting on the other end. Feels like Mochi is stirring. Uh oh.]
I'm going to pull the blankets up. [Keeping his tone low for Jim's ears only. He wants to keep kissing him without any interruptions from cats climbing between them or guard porcupines watching them. He gives Jim enough time to make sure his tablet is still illuminating. Rubbing the tip of his nose against Jim's as he slowly pulls the covers up over their head.]
[ Jim pulls in a deep breath as Zell pulls up the covers, but slowly lets it out again when it's done and the two of them are enveloped in warm cocoon, lit softly by the light of Jim's tablet. He presses them tighter together by threading his legs around one of Zell's, throwing his arm over Zell's waist. It's comfortable in a way Jim rarely is, and as miserable as the conversation earlier had been he's glad for it. More than that: ]
I'm glad you're here. [ A kiss. ] I'm glad you stayed.
[He can feel the furball padding his way to curl up against Zell's back. Pressing his forehead against Jim's as he tucked his fingers into his hair. Giving him a longer kiss in return, before smiling against his lips.]
I'm glad you asked me to stay. [Giving him another kiss.] I'm glad you came back. [Kissing the corner of his mouth this time.] I'm glad you gave me this chance.
Anybody would be crazy not to. [ Jim really believes that, the same way he so casually called Zell good-looking earlier in the night. He can't understand anyone who wouldn't want someone like Zell to always be by their side, always looking out for them, always believing in them, always looking at the world in a way that Jim doesn't quite understand, but wants to.
Already the idea of being without Zell is something he can't think about too closely, as dangerous as that is here. ] You know that, don't you, Sunshine?
[Playing with his hair as he rubs his nose against Jim's nose] It's enough to know that you think so. That someone as amazing and beautiful as you wants me around. [Giving him a few more kisses] I know it's hard here and I know it's not over. We might not always have happy times, but there are happy times because you're here at my side.
[He wants it to be forever, but there is no way to promise that here. Not with how this place takes people away and not with both of them seeing failed marriages in their lives. Jim more than Zell has seen people walk out on you. He really, really wants to try though. He wants to keep proving everything and everyone wrong in both Jim's life and his own.] Our time together, your life before me, and everything connected to you matters me.
You should know that it's true, doesn't matter what I think. [ Jim knows first hand how badly other people can make you feel about yourself, and how hard it is to hold on to the knowledge that you're not what they think, but Zell doesn't seem to do that. It's like he believes it, and Jim hates that. But Zell's still talking, so Jim's listening. The words… it's the kind of thing Jim wants to believe. That he matters to Zell as much as Zell matters to him. That he's wanted and needed and makes things better, not worse, better the way Zell makes him.
It's just as well Zell doesn't say forever, because if Jim thought about it at all, he's not sure he believes in it. But as long as they can, as long as they both feel like this… Jim's going to hold to it, as tight as he can. As tight as he's holding Zell now. ] I didn't think I had a future. [ It's random, but not in JIm's mind. ] Back home, and then here… but you… I want to have a future with you, Zell.
[It really does matter what Jim thinks. He's part of Zell's strength and his compass here.
Then Jim says those words. That he didn't think he had a future, and now he wants one with Zell. He's going to grin as big as he can possible as he moves his hands around Jim to give him a tight hug. Placing his forehead against Jim's as he takes a moment to really absorb those words. He wants a future with him. A future wasn't something he imagined or ever planned. He liked living the moment, especially when his job meant a shorter lifespan. A life of missions and battles left no room to think about the future.
He's starting to see things differently though. Starting to hope for more than just that. He now wants to see Jim's world. He now wants to go to the beach with Jim or watch old movies with him. Maybe sleep with him in a bed that actually belongs to one or both of them.
It's hard to see Jim's face while being this close. Settling with closing his eyes as he draws patterns lazily into Jim's back.]
Then we'll keep going until we find something that'll take us out of here. [ And then… well, Jim's not sure what happens then. Zell's not like Kunsel or Zack; he has a life and a future to go back to. A world that he - incredibly - saved, where he's a hero. Where his family is. Jim wants to get him back to that, safely, but he selfishly wants to keep Zell by his side, too. He'd spent so much time thinking about the crappy, lonely future ahead of him where no one would ever understand what was going on inside his head… the idea of finding someone like Zell and giving that up? He can't even think about it right now. They're smart, they can make it work. That's why: ] I know going to be okay, Sunshine.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
SUPER.
His pulse picks up, just a little, the way it usually does these days when Zell touches him. The smile that usually comes with it is absent, but he's content enough to let himself be pulled and burrow in. ]
Mm?
[ He doesn't return the pet name, but his hand does find its way to Zell's damp hair. ]
Everything alright?
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You tell me. Is everything alright? [Leaning into the hand in his hair.] Is everything still the same stupid stuff to you? [He couldn't stop the crack in his voice as his emotions threaten to spill out. He knows they made a pact. Knows Jim wouldn't ever do something like that again, but he has to wonder if it's only because of how much it hurt the group.]
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Oh. That. That's kind of the last thing Jim wants to talk about, with anybody, but his own fault for not making the conversation private and text. His arms tighten around Zell and he's quiet for a long time. He could lie - blow it off, make it a joke or just refuse to talk about it at all - but he owes Zell more than that. It's why he forces the words out, even if he won't look at Zell while he's talking. ]
Sometimes. [ It's a whisper. ] It's - you know how it is. Like he said. You keep walking in circles and usually nothing changes except to get worse and we're - we're helpless. I hate...
[ He trails off, takes a deep breath against Zell's clean skin. ] But -
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Once Jim starts talking, he'll release a breath he didn't even know he was holding.
When Jim says I hate, Zell finds himself cringing again. There is a sharp ache inside of him and he almost misses the but at the end of that. It feels like there is a lump in his throat and he tries to gulp it down.]
But?
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-But things have been different since I came back. [ Since this started, he doesn't say, but means. ] It hasn't been as hard to keep going, even when it feels pointless.
[ Maybe Jim should tell Zell more about how it felt, before he lashed out, why he'd done it. But he doesn't really know how, and it just comes out lamely: ]
I never wanted to die, though. Just to do something that mattered.
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Reaching up to cup the side of Jim's face. Brushing his thumb along his cheekbone as he listens patiently.
Hearing him say he never wanted to die does ease some of the wretched feeling. Things are different since he came back. He did say it just makes everyone sad to Emma.
Slowly relaxing a bit, but still not quite fully smiling. Burrowing his face against Jim's hair as he breathes in deeply.]
Do you know why I call you Stars? [And time to lay on the sap to his boyfriend. He's not even sure if it'll even help, but he wants to say it.] Because you're my light in the darkness. [Pressing a kiss against him.] You made all of this better. You're bright, amazing, and I feel like I can do anything when you're near. [So, Jim has mattered and still matters to Zell.]
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Jim pulls back enough to prop himself up on one elbow and study Zell's face as best he can with the tablet's light. It's sharp edges and bright blue eyes full of feelings and soft blond hair, and Jim's chest is tight with the emotion it inspires. He swallows hard a few times before giving up on speaking and sealing a kiss against Zell's lips instead. He hopes Zell gets it, what he means. How he feels. ]
Thank you., [ He whispers into Zell's lips, nearly unintelligible. ] Thank you.
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He barely makes out the thank yous as he reciprocates the kiss with a few of his own. Threading his fingers in Jim's hair to keep him in kissing distance.]
I'll remind you every time you need it. [Giving another smooch.] And any time you don't.
[He can feel the bed shifting on the other end. Feels like Mochi is stirring. Uh oh.]
I'm going to pull the blankets up. [Keeping his tone low for Jim's ears only. He wants to keep kissing him without any interruptions from cats climbing between them or guard porcupines watching them. He gives Jim enough time to make sure his tablet is still illuminating. Rubbing the tip of his nose against Jim's as he slowly pulls the covers up over their head.]
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I'm glad you're here. [ A kiss. ] I'm glad you stayed.
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I'm glad you asked me to stay. [Giving him another kiss.] I'm glad you came back. [Kissing the corner of his mouth this time.] I'm glad you gave me this chance.
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Already the idea of being without Zell is something he can't think about too closely, as dangerous as that is here. ] You know that, don't you, Sunshine?
/drops more cheese on you
It's enough to know that you think so. That someone as amazing and beautiful as you wants me around. [Giving him a few more kisses] I know it's hard here and I know it's not over. We might not always have happy times, but there are happy times because you're here at my side.
[He wants it to be forever, but there is no way to promise that here. Not with how this place takes people away and not with both of them seeing failed marriages in their lives. Jim more than Zell has seen people walk out on you. He really, really wants to try though. He wants to keep proving everything and everyone wrong in both Jim's life and his own.] Our time together, your life before me, and everything connected to you matters me.
/squirms
You should know that it's true, doesn't matter what I think. [ Jim knows first hand how badly other people can make you feel about yourself, and how hard it is to hold on to the knowledge that you're not what they think, but Zell doesn't seem to do that. It's like he believes it, and Jim hates that. But Zell's still talking, so Jim's listening. The words… it's the kind of thing Jim wants to believe. That he matters to Zell as much as Zell matters to him. That he's wanted and needed and makes things better, not worse, better the way Zell makes him.
It's just as well Zell doesn't say forever, because if Jim thought about it at all, he's not sure he believes in it. But as long as they can, as long as they both feel like this… Jim's going to hold to it, as tight as he can. As tight as he's holding Zell now. ] I didn't think I had a future. [ It's random, but not in JIm's mind. ] Back home, and then here… but you… I want to have a future with you, Zell.
sorry
Then Jim says those words. That he didn't think he had a future, and now he wants one with Zell. He's going to grin as big as he can possible as he moves his hands around Jim to give him a tight hug. Placing his forehead against Jim's as he takes a moment to really absorb those words. He wants a future with him. A future wasn't something he imagined or ever planned. He liked living the moment, especially when his job meant a shorter lifespan. A life of missions and battles left no room to think about the future.
He's starting to see things differently though. Starting to hope for more than just that. He now wants to see Jim's world. He now wants to go to the beach with Jim or watch old movies with him. Maybe sleep with him in a bed that actually belongs to one or both of them.
It's hard to see Jim's face while being this close. Settling with closing his eyes as he draws patterns lazily into Jim's back.]
I want to have one with you, too.
Re: sorry
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[He still has every intention of going to Jim's world. If there's a way to bring people here, there has to be a way to travel between the worlds.
Giving him a light kiss.] I know. [And then quietly he repeats it] I know. We'll get through this.
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