rattlingthestars | IC Inbox II

[ He can feel the nose bleed, but is hoping, with a pang of guilt, that Jim's unable to see it. Zell makes his disappointment known with a sound as soon as Jim moves away. He was hoping they could hold on a little longer. ]

Careful, Stars. There is a drawer open on the dresser. Mochi and Moprh are in there. [ He keeps his voice low as he moves to his stuff. Pulling out some vending machine rations and plopping down on the bed. ]

If I stay at one end, would you sit on the other? [ He's patting the bed. ] It's a large bed. It's...[ Strugging with admitting it, but knowing Jim needs to hear about the effects clearly. ] It only hits me if we're touching. I didn't feel sick being near you.

[ Once the words are out, he knows he can't take them back. He's sad by saying as much though. He really wanted to tough it out and deal with it if it means touching Jim. ]

I missed you too. [ His voice cracks there. ] I missed you so much, Stars.

[ Jim can't see it, but he can hear the way Zell's breathing changes to accommodate it. He can smell it if he concentrates hard enough, or maybe it's just his brain knowing it has to be there.

Jim avoids the dresser carefully without a word about it, and Morph doesn't seem too willing to get close. He hesitates at the edge of the bed, able to hear it around the echoes of Zell's words. ]

-I will if you keep back. Don't touch me.

[ Jim wants to avoid it for more reasons than one, right now. ]

I didn't want you to see any of this.

[ He scoots to lean against the headboard of the bed. ]

I can't. [ He can't make any promises, but the words kind of die. Linking his own hands together as he looks at Jim. Looking at the sails and way his shirt is in shreds. ]

I'll try. I'll try for you. [ Even if all he wants to do is touch him. Run his fingers through his hair, down his back, and to touch those wings. He wants to kiss Jim's forehead and hold his hand. He wants to reassure him it's okay. ]

I know you didn't want this. [ Gesturing between them. Meaning the whole Zell seeing him. Zell being in proximity of him. There is an unsaid but hanging in the air. ] I am glad you came. I'm so glad, Stars.

[ Swallowing back the wave of emotions as rubbing his face to keep from crying. ]

[ The sail flickers with every movement of air in the room, every time either of them speaks. It's exactly like what Zell saw in Jim's dreams, down to the patchwork repairs, except that it's growing out of Jim.

He sighs; it sounds like there's a laugh somewhere buried hysterical and deep. ]

You were in trouble. I couldn't... You were in trouble, of course I was going to come.

[ Zell looks at the sails, already comparing them from the sails he's seen. It's both beautiful and cruel, much like the liquid space adorning his face. ]

You caught me.

[ Zell scoots a little closer. There's a few feet between them, and he really misses being close. Being able to hug him, hold him, and hold his hand without anything bad happening. He told Jim he will try, so he'll do his best. He does feel the resolve crumbling, and decides to ask the next thing that pops in his head. ]

Are they warm? Your wings?

[ Jim feels Zell moving closer and tenses, afraid for a moment that he's not going to be able to hold the distance. He's not certain what he did today was catching. He killed... he doesn't want to think about it. Not yet, not if Zell isn't.

The question surprises him, and he has to think about it. ]

Remember - sunshine. [ The concept not the nickname. ] Just being out in it and feeling it warm you up? It feels like that.

[ Because it is sunlight, wherever it's coming from. ]

[ He feels a mixture of relief and bitter about that. It feels like sunshine and his eyes are nothing but stars. This place has a shitty sense of humor. Zell looks at the shreds of shirt hanging on Jim's shoulders. ]

So it helps you stay warm?

[ He hopes it does. Really hopes it does. ]

I have something you can wear. It's big enough we might be able to get them though.

[ His mouth is going, but his heart isn't fully into it. It's an important topic, but not really what he wants to talk about. ]

A little.

[ Jim feels it less now that he's inside again, away from what little sunlight Norfinbury can provide. He wishes he could let Zell touch, though - he wants him to have a little of the warmth. It would be a small good to come out of this. ]

I don't want to ruin anything else. Not - until we're sure. I think what I did this morning might change me back.

[ He'd been so sure of it, then, but it's less certain now that hours have passed and nothing has changed. ]

Until then... you can come closer. Don't touch, just ... get warm.

GONNA TACKLE

[ He doesn't waste a moment after permission is given. He moves closer until they are about a foot apart. Zell feels almost a thrill being within reach of him. His heart is beating in his chest as he faces his boyfriend. ]

How about a blanket then?

[ Zell lifts his hand, but then closes his hands again. ]

Are they like cloth?

[ Jim reaches up to touch his own sail, considering. It does feel like solar cloth... but it also feels like skin in a way that has his stomach lurching. It grew out of his body. It's part of him, and it shouldn't be. ]

-Blanket's okay.

[ He makes a familiar move to rub his face and halfway there seems to realize what he's doing and put his hand firmly back in his lap. ]

[ He can tell from the movement and the way Jim is holding himself that he's really not okay. Sliding off the bed and pulling out a blanket from his stuff before moving to stand infront of him. ]

I won't touch.

[ Reassuring him first, and then carefully he maneuvers the blanket to drape over back and wings. Grabbing each end of it as a way to hug and hold Jim without making any contact as he pulls it carefully. ]

Better?

[ Standing in front of him and already trying to seek out all the parts that are still his. All the parts that are very Jim. ]

You're still you, you know. I can still see you, Stars.

[ Jim tenses, not because he doesn't trust Zell to keep his word but because he's so close now. He keeps perfectly still as Zell surrounds him with the blanket, and holds his breath when the blanket tightens. He needs this. He needed Zell. ]

-Better. Thank you.

[ He feels like himself now more than he had for days, but he knows he's still wrong. Zell can see him and he flinches. ]

-Yeah. Why aren't you...

[ Angry? Yelling? Disgusted? ]

[ It's hard not touching him. Staying there and gripping to the edges of the blanket as his gaze drops to Jim's legs. They were still intact at least.

Why aren't you what?

He can think of a lot of ways to finish that question. Too many ways. Looking back up to see the trails of stardust and his hollow eyes, trying to find a glimpse of the beautiful hue that matches the strap on his wrist. ]

Why aren't I what?

Angry. Afraid.

[ Either of those would be understandable. It's what he deserves, at the moment. He killed them... ]

[ Not that Jim could see, but Zell looks genuinely confused. ]

Why would I be afraid of you? You're still you.

[ Letting go of the edge and then throwing caution to the wind. ]

Just. Just a little, please.

[ His tone is soft and pleading as he reaches to put his hand over Jim's. ]

[ Jim knows he should move his hand, maybe even run away again. But he can't; it's Zell and he wants to comfort him - to be comforted - so badly. So he lets him. ]

I - [ Killed. ] Hurt them. Your friends. Zack's girlfriend. My dad. Not because I was a monster.

[ Jim not pulling away or fighting it emboldens Zell. Moving his fingers to slide between Jim's own. He does feel the dizziness already, but he keeps himself steady. ]

It's okay. It wasn't really them... they weren't whole any more. This place... took them apart. Made them into that, Jim.

[ Squeezing the hand to reassure him. ]

You were protecting us and our future.

I woke up this morning and just... knew. If I hadn't, I wouldn't change back. Won't change back. Whatever.

He had my light, the one Brian stole.

[ Jim sounds like he's trying to justify it, even when Zell's already accepting. ]

Didn't think I was going to be able to do it anyway. Not if there was any part left in there. But...

[ The longer he holds his hand, the more he wants to push further. To see just how much contact Jim would let him get away with. Only the dizziness and light coppery smell in his nose is keeping him from latching on. He doesn't want Jim to blame himself. ]

It's okay, Stars. I would have done the same in your position. [ A pause as he squeezes his hand. ]

I would have done it for you.

[ Killed his monsters for the lights to make sure Jim has a future. ]

[ Jim wants to see his face so badly, to seek out the truth in that. He's still not sure if what he did was right.

He can't, though, not directly, so he reaches up a hand that hovers an inch from Zell's face. He's not adding another point of contact, but he's there. ]

-I know you would have.

[ He's quit for a moment. ]

This is so unfair.

[ He lets go of Jim's hand, and waits for a moment for everything to stop feeling like it's spinning. Then he nuzzles against the outstretched hand. Pressing a kiss against his palm. ]

You can touch me. It doesn't hurt. [ Just makes him feel sick, but it's worth it. ]

It'll be better soon. Maybe in the morning or the next day, but it'll be soon. So, stay with me.

[ Leaning back again to make sure Jim doesn't feel bad. ]

Stay with me.

[ Jim passes his hand over Zell's lips, rests his thumb there as he caresses his cheek. He needs to stop, soon, but he can't seem to -

Zell makes the decision for them, and he sighs a tiny sign of relief. ]

I am. I'm not leaving again, not if I can stay.

[ Which isn't a promise of forever, exactly, but it's the best Jim can do. He curls in on himself at his own end of the bed, knees tucked under chin, and stares unseeing at the far wall. ]

Do you ... is your guitar here?

[ Zell figures that as good as he'll get. Much like he couldn't promise not to touch Jim, Jim can't promise he won't vanish. What if he's taken or has to leave to return to normal? He feels a piercing coldness inside as he worries for a moment that Jim might not be there when he closes his eyes.

He has regret over breaking the contact already. Snagging the blanket again to make sure it's adjusted on Jim as he curls in on himself. Leaning close once more to press a kiss against his forehead. ]

Yeah. Yeah I do have it.

[ Zell stalls in front of Jim for a bit longer. A part of him wonders how much has changed on his boyfriend. He still wants to just wrap the other up in his arms and hold on tight. His fingers tremble a bit as he lets go to grab his guitar. ]

Have any requests?

[ Jim pictures tilting up, changing it to a kiss on the lips, but he doesn't move. Instead he sniffs and draws his blanket even closer as he settles in on the bed. ]

Something from your world.

[ Jim's heard a few by now, but he'll never get tired of the alien music his boyfriend can make. ]

IC Inbox II

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finish ;3