You were gone. [ It's quieter this time, snapped out almost before Zack's apology forms, but no less heartfelt. Jim's gripping the tablet like he wants to break it, but he's not strong enough. His family had broken in half, narrowed down to one important person, and he'd been right: for Jim, it had felt a thousand times worse to be left behind than it had to die.
Eventually, when the silence beyond Jim's ragged breathing has stretched too long, his brain sluggishly processes what he's hearing. ]
You didn't know? You-
[ Jim rubs his eyes, dismissing the thought as quickly as it'd come. It's not important. Zack being back, that's important. But he still needs something Zack hasn't given yet, and until he does there will still be the nagging fear that this is another waking dream. ] Can you turn on the camera?
[ The sharpness of those words- it would have probably been enough to stun him into silence if he... wasn't already struggling with words as it was. Hearing it the first time had been bad enough. Hearing it repeated only makes it sink in more with a sickening feeling that only grows worse knowing what he knows. He'd died and Kunsel's dead- Kunsel's dead- His best friend's gone just like that- Just like that, he'll never-
That first question pulls him to the surface of his thoughts again and he nods weakly to the first one out of habit before realizing Jim won't see, before trying to open his mouth to speak, but nothing comes out. Nothing at all because then that next question hits and he's frozen for a moment. Frozen and for once unsure of what to do... how to act... what to say...
Seeing him won't make him feel any better, he argues. Seeing him might just make things worse. Not like this. Not like this...
But not seeing him might do the same. It's not the first time Jim's panicked and asked this of him. But as he toggles on the camera... he wishes it didn't have to be like this.
He wants to try for a smile. This is where he usually would. But his thoughts keep drifting to dark places. Still, through his watering eyes, there he is. His hand's just moving away from his cheek and there's a hint of smeared remnants of tears. For the most part, it's too dank and dark to see where he is... but he can none-the-less catch onto what he's wearing and how much darker the color of it is in certain areas. Doesn't hide the way that tablet lights up the new scar on his forehead where previously he'd suffered injury from that axe. ]
There- That should.. Sorry, kid, is that better..?
[ Jim waits in heavy silence as Zack makes his decision. It should be a small one, but it isn't to Jim, and apparently it isn't to Zack. It may not come easy, but Jim won't really believe Zack is alive until he can see the man with his own eyes, replace the fractured dream-images and the bloody jeweler's with something more real. He doesn't care what it is, triumphant or defeated, as long as it's real.
And - it's real, alright. For a second Jim regrets his decision to seek it. But he's been brave in the face of reality before, and he knows he has to be now, too. That's why he's trying to meet Zack's eyes through the camera, avoiding looking too long at the bloody stains and the new scar. The light in his eyes is what's important; Jim hadn't even seen it fade out; Zack had been dead before they even really knew something was wrong. ]
It's good to see you.
[ And it is, however much this sucks. ]
It's ... we should've figured out a better way. [ Jim should have figured out a better way, or managed to get in there first. That's what he's going to do this time, though like hell he's telling Zack that just yet. ] But I'm so glad you got a second chance.
[ He sees the way Jim's eyes wander too easily and a part of him lurches at that. A part of him wants to shut off the video again, to prevent anymore of the pain he's seeing even in the relief that he's there, that he's alive. But it's in knowing how much it matters to the cadet on the other side that he forces himself to stay his hands, to look him straight back in the eyes.
Zack's own eyes soften at that first comment... even as he stiffens at the next. There's something on the tip of his tongue, something that gets turned over again and again instead as he struggles to find his own words. He's usually good at finding them, but in that moment, it feels impossible. In that moment, it feels like 'should have's are an understatement. 'Should have's make something in him boil, make his eyes sting all over again. And that feeling only worsens by that last comment, barely discernable as it is.
Something in him twists hard and he covers his face with a hand, pressing tight as he struggles to keep his breath even, thoughts spiraling and ironic in contrast to just seconds before.
'Should'a been Kuns.'
'Should'a been Kuns.'
But those aren't the words he needs to hear. Those aren't the words that are going to make things any better. Those aren't the words he'd want to hear.. He sucks in a sharp breath but fails to lower his hand from his face. ]
I said I'd... We still gotta get those tickets out of here. I meant it and I'm not about to go back on my word. [ Just before there were three.
[ Jim's seen that softening look so many times before that, more on instinct than conscious thought he starts to relax with it until something between him and Zack seems to go wrong and Zack looks so lost.
And then - then he's crying, Jim thinks, not the relieved tears of someone happy to be alive. Jim wants so badly for Zack to be here for this, not flung halfway across town. He thinks it would be easier, but maybe it's wrong - maybe it would be harder to feel the way Zack's breathing is going funny.
Jim will never know. His mind is just cycling through possibilities in that silence, should haves that were never up to him in the first place, but it stops whenever Zack actually speaks.
Jim nearly misses the words, muffled as they are by Zack's hand, but they're ones he's heard time and again. Ones he has written in the sketchbook that belonged to a boy who hadn't gotten one. Words he tells himself when he wakes up and when he sleeps.
If nothing else, this is a reminder of how fragile that promise is. How easy to break. Jim doesn't call attention to that, though, just states a simple fact: ]
[ At first, it doesn't seem like Zack registers those words. He's stiff and silent, the only notable movement being in the way his chest rises and falls with each uneven breath. Breath which seems to catch in his throat when the full impact of what the cadet on the other end said finally hits him.
Even then, for a time... nothing's spoken in return. He licks chapped lips and keeps that palm pressed where it is. Takes one... two false starts with mouth moving and fidgeting but nothing coming out. Nothing until he breathes a sharp inhale through his nose, finally fighting through to gain enough composure. Just enough to croak out some semblance of a rocky, almost whispered answer, hurried and broken up by the rawness but no less honest. ]
Like hell I'd ever want that. I don't wanna-...
You and Zell and.. [ He takes a moment to swallow hard, losing his voice a moment. Gaining it the next hoarsely. ] You're all..
[ The silences are getting worse, not better, though Jim's starting to adapt to them. At least he can see Zack and know that something else hasn't got him. Doesn't make it easy to watch him struggle for words; each time he begins to speak, Jim nearly says something in turn, but he forces it back behind his teeth and shuts his mouth.
I don't wanna - well, of course he doesn't. Of course Zack wants to go on living - not like some of the people here who seem to have given up. But it seems obvious now that Zack's more worried about Jim's ticket than his own.
And Jim -
Well, Jim feels the same. He makes a low, animal sound that seems like it should've come from someone else and looks away from the tablet rather than watch Zack cry. ]
I know.
[ Zack doesn't have to complete the thought for Jim to understand. ]
[ Silence answers him for a stretch of time- though perhaps not unexpected silence when Zell's tablet's blowing up. When there's text after text from Zack, words getting progressively riddled with more and more typos the more the conversation goes on. The more reckless the words become when it does up until there's nothing on his end. Up until he's cut off and ignored. That's when he shoots another message back at Jim.
This time, his face is no longer covered. No, it's clear to see and an open book of desperation, of discouragement and dread while his tablet creaks under the grip of his hands. His eyes have a sheen to them not from the mako as he speaks, voice gravelly but no less firm. ]
But there you are going along with him after what just happened, aren't you. [ He comes off short- maybe too short, but it hurts. It hurts so much and suddenly in a much different way. In an ironic way where suddenly everything is out of his grasp instead. Where he can only watch as the two of them possibly...
And then they could be gone and dead. Just like- ]
[ Jim knows why Zack goes silent on him, though it doesn't make it hurt less. While he doesn't read the messages themselves, he has a general idea of what's happening, and he's braced for Zack's return.
If Zack does return. He still remembers - but that had been an accident. Zack hadn't seen that message. Not the same.
Not the same because then Zack's back and however Jim had tried to steel himself for the anger or disappointment, it never would've been enough. He wants to be the person Zack wants him to be, the person Kunsel thinks he is, the person Zell sees. He wants to do what'll make the people around him happy and safe.
But... he also wants to do what's right. What he and Zell have both agreed has to be done to protect the rest of their family.
His gaze flutters away for a moment but when he does meet Zack's eyes through the tablet, his expression is steady and determined. ]
Wasn't just his idea.
[ They're equally to blame. It's important, somehow, that Zack know that. ]
Tell me - tell me, honestly, you wouldn't do the same thing if you had a chance to keep me out of trouble right after I died. Tell me that, Zack.
[ He wants to see that person he knows Jim can be. He... He really does.
He knows Jim can be that person.
The rational part of him knows, too, that they're not fools. That they're both capable. That they won't just rush in on this. That they've seen what one mistake can do. That they're holding it heavy in their hearts.
But in the heat of the moment, all he can think of is Kunsel. All he can think of is him dead and gone and how fast and how easy it was for that to happen, a matter of seconds for him to be gone, too. There one moment, life over the next. He's known, he's known, he's known, and he's seen death so much now in this place, but there's a part of him that had sworn not them, never them. Not if I can help it. And yet, here they are.
And for all the pride he should feel for Jim, all the elation he should hold to in that look, in that moment of solid belief, all he can feel right then is everything just splintering and crashing in on him. A whirlwind of messed up emotions, desperately churning and boiling in him until they finally rise to the top in answer. ]
Ifrit's hell, Jim, you even have to ask?The whole reason why- [ He cuts himself off, a string of curses rolling of his tongue as what cool he attempted to keep completely shatters. He can't say it. He can't say 'We'. It's still too soon.
Too damn soon and too damn hard and his eyes are stinging again and his expression's tight, face pale and worn like he's seen a damn ghost. But he pursues, voice growing louder and words spoken faster by the second. ] Kuns is-! He made that choice- I know he did, but he's gone and now you're telling me you and Zell are gonna go in there anyway! Damn it, I didn't do what I did for you to- I don't want to lose you and Zell, too!
[ Jim flinches back as if struck, and there's a moment - over in a blink - where he wants to press the button to switch them back to audio or even text. It would be so much easier to explain that way, to find the right words in the right order until Zack understands everything. The promise, the failure, the lingering dream, the person Jim wants to be. Until Zack can agree that it's right.
Jim's finger brushes the button but doesn't press. ]
I'm sorry!
[ Echoes in the snowy silence of Norfinbury, a harsh burst of static for Zell, and hardly time for a harsh breath before: ]
Zack, I'm sorry. You - you didn't come back for nothing. You got a second chance, and that's more important than anything, and I'm not going to lose either of you if I can help it. I'm keeping my promises.
[ A ticket out of here, for everyone. Catching someone when he falls. It's worth it, even if Zack can't see that, and he's going to do that even if it means going back to the awful silence between them. Better a hot, angry silence than a deathly cold one. Better Zack alive than dead. ]
[ It hurts to see him flinch. It hurts in the worst ways because it was bad enough hurting him once back then, bad enough almost losing what they'd built and acting like strangers and hell if he would ever want to revisit that. But at the same time, so much just seems so wrong and he can't- he can't-
But he's apologizing. He's apologizing and it's disarming, so much so that Zack just freezes for a moment, eyes wide and lost, mouth moving but words suddenly lost at that shout. He's dumbstruck and thrown off and it takes him a moment to even catch on and catch up to everything Jim says, for context and meaning to actually sink in.
Didn't come back for nothing. A second chance more important than anything- anything? It- It is important to make sure they get out of there. That's important- and if he can be there to help get them that chance, to get them that ticket out. A promise already falling apart but a promise he still wants to fulfill if it's the last thing he does. That's what's more important than anything. And that's more than enough reason for him to level his gaze back on Jim, to find his voice again, strained but no longer yelling. Yet somehow more firm. ]
Then wait, damn it. Just listen to me and wait.
[ There's a plea there. In his words. In his eyes. Don't do this.
[ In a way, Zack freezing helps - just not the way Zack would want it to. Sometimes Jim's let himself forget that Zack's human, too, just as lost as Jim is. He'd seen it when they fought, when he'd come back from the dead, when Zack collapsed and then -
Well, there's no reason to think about the last time he'd seen it. It's over, Zack's alive, and it's not going to happen again, because Jim's not going to let it. ]
I'm listening.
[ Zack can probably feel the 'but' coming in the way Jim steels himself to meet Zack's eyes through the tablet, the breath he sucks in and lets out in a rush. ]
But we can't wait. I'm sorry. We'll take care of each other and - talk to you soon.
[ And with that Jim, too, will cut the connection. ]
[ For as upset as he was earlier, he doesn't hesitate to shoot a response back not long after he finally hears back from him. His own message is brief. Far from the charge emotion from before but still enough to make his point. Nothing that feels impersonal like that one time long before. ]
you take care of yourself out there. both of you. I don't want either of you turning up in the obituaries too you hear?
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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Eventually, when the silence beyond Jim's ragged breathing has stretched too long, his brain sluggishly processes what he's hearing. ]
You didn't know? You-
[ Jim rubs his eyes, dismissing the thought as quickly as it'd come. It's not important. Zack being back, that's important. But he still needs something Zack hasn't given yet, and until he does there will still be the nagging fear that this is another waking dream. ] Can you turn on the camera?
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That first question pulls him to the surface of his thoughts again and he nods weakly to the first one out of habit before realizing Jim won't see, before trying to open his mouth to speak, but nothing comes out. Nothing at all because then that next question hits and he's frozen for a moment. Frozen and for once unsure of what to do... how to act... what to say...
Seeing him won't make him feel any better, he argues. Seeing him might just make things worse. Not like this. Not like this...
But not seeing him might do the same. It's not the first time Jim's panicked and asked this of him. But as he toggles on the camera... he wishes it didn't have to be like this.
He wants to try for a smile. This is where he usually would. But his thoughts keep drifting to dark places. Still, through his watering eyes, there he is. His hand's just moving away from his cheek and there's a hint of smeared remnants of tears. For the most part, it's too dank and dark to see where he is... but he can none-the-less catch onto what he's wearing and how much darker the color of it is in certain areas. Doesn't hide the way that tablet lights up the new scar on his forehead where previously he'd suffered injury from that axe. ]
There- That should.. Sorry, kid, is that better..?
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And - it's real, alright. For a second Jim regrets his decision to seek it. But he's been brave in the face of reality before, and he knows he has to be now, too. That's why he's trying to meet Zack's eyes through the camera, avoiding looking too long at the bloody stains and the new scar. The light in his eyes is what's important; Jim hadn't even seen it fade out; Zack had been dead before they even really knew something was wrong. ]
It's good to see you.
[ And it is, however much this sucks. ]
It's ... we should've figured out a better way. [ Jim should have figured out a better way, or managed to get in there first. That's what he's going to do this time, though like hell he's telling Zack that just yet. ] But I'm so glad you got a second chance.
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Zack's own eyes soften at that first comment... even as he stiffens at the next. There's something on the tip of his tongue, something that gets turned over again and again instead as he struggles to find his own words. He's usually good at finding them, but in that moment, it feels impossible. In that moment, it feels like 'should have's are an understatement. 'Should have's make something in him boil, make his eyes sting all over again. And that feeling only worsens by that last comment, barely discernable as it is.
Something in him twists hard and he covers his face with a hand, pressing tight as he struggles to keep his breath even, thoughts spiraling and ironic in contrast to just seconds before.
'Should'a been Kuns.'
'Should'a been Kuns.'
But those aren't the words he needs to hear. Those aren't the words that are going to make things any better. Those aren't the words he'd want to hear.. He sucks in a sharp breath but fails to lower his hand from his face. ]
I said I'd... We still gotta get those tickets out of here. I meant it and I'm not about to go back on my word. [ Just before there were three.
Now, there's only two. ]
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And then - then he's crying, Jim thinks, not the relieved tears of someone happy to be alive. Jim wants so badly for Zack to be here for this, not flung halfway across town. He thinks it would be easier, but maybe it's wrong - maybe it would be harder to feel the way Zack's breathing is going funny.
Jim will never know. His mind is just cycling through possibilities in that silence, should haves that were never up to him in the first place, but it stops whenever Zack actually speaks.
Jim nearly misses the words, muffled as they are by Zack's hand, but they're ones he's heard time and again. Ones he has written in the sketchbook that belonged to a boy who hadn't gotten one. Words he tells himself when he wakes up and when he sleeps.
If nothing else, this is a reminder of how fragile that promise is. How easy to break. Jim doesn't call attention to that, though, just states a simple fact: ]
I'm not going without you. Don't make me.
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Even then, for a time... nothing's spoken in return. He licks chapped lips and keeps that palm pressed where it is. Takes one... two false starts with mouth moving and fidgeting but nothing coming out. Nothing until he breathes a sharp inhale through his nose, finally fighting through to gain enough composure. Just enough to croak out some semblance of a rocky, almost whispered answer, hurried and broken up by the rawness but no less honest. ]
Like hell I'd ever want that. I don't wanna-...
You and Zell and.. [ He takes a moment to swallow hard, losing his voice a moment. Gaining it the next hoarsely. ] You're all..
[ His friends.
His companions.
His family.
His everything.
All he has. ]
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I don't wanna - well, of course he doesn't. Of course Zack wants to go on living - not like some of the people here who seem to have given up. But it seems obvious now that Zack's more worried about Jim's ticket than his own.
And Jim -
Well, Jim feels the same. He makes a low, animal sound that seems like it should've come from someone else and looks away from the tablet rather than watch Zack cry. ]
I know.
[ Zack doesn't have to complete the thought for Jim to understand. ]
I know, and I'm not going to lose either of you.
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This time, his face is no longer covered. No, it's clear to see and an open book of desperation, of discouragement and dread while his tablet creaks under the grip of his hands. His eyes have a sheen to them not from the mako as he speaks, voice gravelly but no less firm. ]
But there you are going along with him after what just happened, aren't you. [ He comes off short- maybe too short, but it hurts. It hurts so much and suddenly in a much different way. In an ironic way where suddenly everything is out of his grasp instead. Where he can only watch as the two of them possibly...
And then they could be gone and dead. Just like- ]
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If Zack does return. He still remembers - but that had been an accident. Zack hadn't seen that message. Not the same.
Not the same because then Zack's back and however Jim had tried to steel himself for the anger or disappointment, it never would've been enough. He wants to be the person Zack wants him to be, the person Kunsel thinks he is, the person Zell sees. He wants to do what'll make the people around him happy and safe.
But... he also wants to do what's right. What he and Zell have both agreed has to be done to protect the rest of their family.
His gaze flutters away for a moment but when he does meet Zack's eyes through the tablet, his expression is steady and determined. ]
Wasn't just his idea.
[ They're equally to blame. It's important, somehow, that Zack know that. ]
Tell me - tell me, honestly, you wouldn't do the same thing if you had a chance to keep me out of trouble right after I died. Tell me that, Zack.
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He knows Jim can be that person.
The rational part of him knows, too, that they're not fools. That they're both capable. That they won't just rush in on this. That they've seen what one mistake can do. That they're holding it heavy in their hearts.
But in the heat of the moment, all he can think of is Kunsel. All he can think of is him dead and gone and how fast and how easy it was for that to happen, a matter of seconds for him to be gone, too. There one moment, life over the next. He's known, he's known, he's known, and he's seen death so much now in this place, but there's a part of him that had sworn not them, never them. Not if I can help it. And yet, here they are.
And for all the pride he should feel for Jim, all the elation he should hold to in that look, in that moment of solid belief, all he can feel right then is everything just splintering and crashing in on him. A whirlwind of messed up emotions, desperately churning and boiling in him until they finally rise to the top in answer. ]
Ifrit's hell, Jim, you even have to ask? The whole reason why- [ He cuts himself off, a string of curses rolling of his tongue as what cool he attempted to keep completely shatters. He can't say it. He can't say 'We'. It's still too soon.
Too damn soon and too damn hard and his eyes are stinging again and his expression's tight, face pale and worn like he's seen a damn ghost. But he pursues, voice growing louder and words spoken faster by the second. ] Kuns is-! He made that choice- I know he did, but he's gone and now you're telling me you and Zell are gonna go in there anyway! Damn it, I didn't do what I did for you to- I don't want to lose you and Zell, too!
[ So, stop. So, wait. ]
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Jim's finger brushes the button but doesn't press. ]
I'm sorry!
[ Echoes in the snowy silence of Norfinbury, a harsh burst of static for Zell, and hardly time for a harsh breath before: ]
Zack, I'm sorry. You - you didn't come back for nothing. You got a second chance, and that's more important than anything, and I'm not going to lose either of you if I can help it. I'm keeping my promises.
[ A ticket out of here, for everyone. Catching someone when he falls. It's worth it, even if Zack can't see that, and he's going to do that even if it means going back to the awful silence between them. Better a hot, angry silence than a deathly cold one. Better Zack alive than dead. ]
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But he's apologizing. He's apologizing and it's disarming, so much so that Zack just freezes for a moment, eyes wide and lost, mouth moving but words suddenly lost at that shout. He's dumbstruck and thrown off and it takes him a moment to even catch on and catch up to everything Jim says, for context and meaning to actually sink in.
Didn't come back for nothing. A second chance more important than anything- anything? It- It is important to make sure they get out of there. That's important- and if he can be there to help get them that chance, to get them that ticket out. A promise already falling apart but a promise he still wants to fulfill if it's the last thing he does. That's what's more important than anything. And that's more than enough reason for him to level his gaze back on Jim, to find his voice again, strained but no longer yelling. Yet somehow more firm. ]
Then wait, damn it. Just listen to me and wait.
[ There's a plea there. In his words. In his eyes. Don't do this.
Please. ]
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When - later, when we're older -
You'll understand.
When I say.
Some things aren't that simple.
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YOU DON'T HEAR ME SAY
PLEEEEEEASE
OH BABY
DON'T GO
dear god i hope this actually makes sense
Well, there's no reason to think about the last time he'd seen it. It's over, Zack's alive, and it's not going to happen again, because Jim's not going to let it. ]
I'm listening.
[ Zack can probably feel the 'but' coming in the way Jim steels himself to meet Zack's eyes through the tablet, the breath he sucks in and lets out in a rush. ]
But we can't wait. I'm sorry. We'll take care of each other and - talk to you soon.
[ And with that Jim, too, will cut the connection. ]
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Perhaps- in some ways -because they're the messages he should have sent that time once before. That time when he didn't.
At some point, just like with Zell's, they eventually stop. ]
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Zell told you, but we opened the door. No traps yet - nothing really. We're safe. Going to try a few more things in the morning.
Be careful out there.
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you take care of yourself out there. both of you. I don't want either of you turning up in the obituaries too you hear?
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I'll see you soon. Goodnight, Zack.
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night Jim.
[ Shiva, Infrit, whoever the hell or whatever forces would ever bother... Don't let anything happen to those two. ]