[ Jim reaches between them to fish out his necklace from where it rested against his skin. The feather itself is a little bedraggled, but Jim makes an effort to keep it clean and safe. He touche Zell's jaw with it idly as he deeps the kiss. Not too far - reality is still too fragile - but maybe enough to reassure Zell for the moment. ]
I kept thinking about this, looking at it. And the bracelet. [ The gil, which didn't look like any coin Jim had seen before. ] They felt real.
[ There's a 'but' hovering around there somewhere. ]
[ The touch is almost ticklish as he chases the kiss with another. He'll hold in all the exploring touches and deeper kisses until the static goes away. Pressing a kiss against Jim's cheek next as he lets out a shuddering breath. It'll be okay.
The face that his gifts actually were useful helped ease some the chill. Curling his hand around Jim's wrist to trace along the coin as he nods. ]
It was still hard, right?
[ He knows that feeling. Reaching up to trace the outer edge of Jim's ear. ]
I'm not letting you go tonight. [ He wants to tell him he won't ever let him go, but he knows how much that promise is worth here. The day after their date in Andromeda's house proved he couldn't let go. ]
[ Jim lets the necklace drop from between his fingers onto Zell's shoulder, let go now that he can feel Zell's ragged breathing for himself. His breathing, the way his hair is too long and tickling the edge of Jim's face when they lean close. The little pinpricks of his teeth when they kiss and the texture of the calluses on Zell's hands. Everything about Zell feels more real than real, like the truest thing Jim's ever felt.
But. Maybe he's not. And if not, there's something Jim needs to say. ]
I kept thinking - what if none of it was real? What if I just made you up, because you couldn't be this good and still exist? But... I realized something, I guess.
[ Lifting his head to press a kiss against the corner of Jim's eyes. The tears were no longer there, but he could taste the salty trails they left behind. Next he's pretty a kiss between his brows. ]
What did you realize? [ He didn't want to cover the is this real part. He knows there is no way in hell he could make anyone like Jim up, but...
This place found a way to keep whispering that addition. It keeps turning everything he knows on it's head and making him feel hopeless at times. It made him hesitate every so often on if he really is going the right direction or can help anyone at all.
Because you couldn't be this good and still exist...
His breathing stills as he waits for Jim to finish what he's saying. Bumping his dry lips against his boyfriend's hair line. ]
I realized - [ Jim stops, taking a breath and licking his dry lips out of habit as he wonders if saying what he's been thinking will help Zell or hurt him. The thought's bubbling around now, though, doing its best to spill out whether Jim likes it or not. ]
-I realized that it didn't matter. Not really.
[ That's not quite right. Of course it matters - fear wouldn't still be coursing through him in waves if it didn't - but it's getting closer. Jim tries again: ]
It - if I made you up, or if all of this is a computer and we're not really here... then it was still worth it. Whatever this is, I'm glad to have had it.
[ He feels himself holding his breath at the first set of words. It didn't matter. It hurts a lot, and he finds himself tensing up at it.
He refuses move from this position in case this was it. In case Jim was saying good bye or something. Curling his fingers into fists as he waits for Jim to finish what he's saying.
Then the rest of the words are out. He sucks in a breath and feels himself relaxing once again. It's still worth it. It's all still worth it to Jim and he's glad to have had it. ]
Stars. [ He couldn't help that sob or the ache in his voice as he buries his face the side of Jim's neck. Just give him a few moments to cry and shake all over again.
Taking in a shuddering breath as he tries to figure out how to word again. ] It's worth it to me, too. You're worth every bit of this place. [ And more. So much more. ] Even if we fade... [ Adjusting his arms to give a squeeze. ] Even if we vanish after this, I want to go with you. I want to vanish with you. [ If they are to go or be erased at the end of this night, then he wants it to be together. He wants to fade with Jim. ]
[ They’re close enough that Jim can’t help but feel the tension in Zell’s body, the way he freezes up as if steeling himself against Jim’s words.
Then, it changes. Zell is sobbing in his arms, and Jim’s only seen him like this a handful of times – maybe never this bad. He’s trembling and Jim’s neck is wet with tears and so are his eyes, now, because he’s certain he’s broken something important, but.
But no, he hasn’t. For once he hasn’t, and this thing that they have – as fragile as it feels in the face of today – continues on even when it seems impossible. ]
I –
[ He chokes on his own tears. He is sharply aware that even if this isn’t the end, something else could be, for either of them. And they’d have to go on. ]
-I don’t want you to ever vanish. Even. Even with me, Zell, you can’t - Don't ever go out.
[ Rubbing his face against whatever dry part he can find on his boyfriend until he can feel Jim's tears. Lifting his head to look at him, bringing a hand to brush the tears. Look at them, they were a mess, but it reaffirms something to him. Pressing dry lips against the salty streaks on Jim's face to kiss away the tears. ]
I can't do this without you, Stars.
[ Pulling him close again as he shakes his head. ]
[ Jim's muffled by Zell's jacket where he's buried his face, but then he's fighting away to stare at Zell, stubborn determination written all over his face. ]
You have to. There's a chance... even if we keep our promise, do everything together, there's a chance you could make it out of here without me.
[ A good one, even. There's been a death for every day they've been here, and most of them haven't come back. ]
[ You have to. Drawing in a ragged breath as he looks at Jim. Looks at that look and he swallows back whatever argument started to form on his tongue. He reaches up to trace Jim's eye brows one by one before he gives a sad smile. Shaking his head head. ]
I won't ever give up. I won't ever give up on you. [ If Zell is the one who survives this hell, he will wait for Jim to wake up. Like he does everyone else, but much longer. He'll find a way to save him. ]
I'm going home with you and you're going to meet my ma. [ There is no ifs, buts, or maybes. It's going to happen. There will be a way to save him. ]
[ Jim can see Zell giving up on the argument. Jim's desperate to know that his boyfriend will be okay if Norfinbury ever decides to claim him personally, but he can't make himself argue against that smile.
Instead he takes a deep breath - the kind that rocks his whole body as he slowly lets it out - and closes his eyes against the tears that threaten again. ]
[ He seems to relax at Jim seeming to concede. Brushing his fingers gently across Jim's cheek, and then tilting Jim's head down as he leans up to press a kiss against his forehead. ]
Come here. [ Hooking an around Jim to pull him against him. He buries his face against his shoulder. ]
Stay with me. [ It comes out muffled. It's not clear if he means that night, or if he's referring to long term. ]
[ Jim lets himself be pulled, and doesn't hesitate to hold tight to Zell. He's not sure which sense Zell means, either, but the answer's the same: ]
I'm trying.
[ If it's in Jim's power, he isn't going anywhere, and he hopes Zell knows that. Because there's nothing else to say, he starts to hum the same song he'd sung to Zell over the tablets the night they'd been forcibly separated. ]
[ He already knows he's not going to be sleeping tonight. Even with the comforting warmth against him singing a song that normally brighten his day. Zell is afraid of taking his eyes off Jim. Afraid the moment he does, this stupid place is going to take him away again. He'll dissolve into static and he can't really trust it yet. Can't trust letting go for the night.
Pressing a kiss against his shoulder. ]
That's good enough for me. [ With that, he starts humming along. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
bam
Then Jim's words stick an icicle inside of him. Cringing for a moment as he squeezes his boyfriend tight. ]
I wish you didn't. [ No one ever needs to feel like that. Like they were alone here of all frickin' places. ] I really wish you didn't, Stars.
[ Pressing a chaste kiss against his mouth, needing just a bit more, but being afraid of pushing his luck. ]
Re: bam
I kept thinking about this, looking at it. And the bracelet. [ The gil, which didn't look like any coin Jim had seen before. ] They felt real.
[ There's a 'but' hovering around there somewhere. ]
no subject
The face that his gifts actually were useful helped ease some the chill. Curling his hand around Jim's wrist to trace along the coin as he nods. ]
It was still hard, right?
[ He knows that feeling. Reaching up to trace the outer edge of Jim's ear. ]
I'm not letting you go tonight. [ He wants to tell him he won't ever let him go, but he knows how much that promise is worth here. The day after their date in Andromeda's house proved he couldn't let go. ]
no subject
[ Jim lets the necklace drop from between his fingers onto Zell's shoulder, let go now that he can feel Zell's ragged breathing for himself. His breathing, the way his hair is too long and tickling the edge of Jim's face when they lean close. The little pinpricks of his teeth when they kiss and the texture of the calluses on Zell's hands. Everything about Zell feels more real than real, like the truest thing Jim's ever felt.
But. Maybe he's not. And if not, there's something Jim needs to say. ]
I kept thinking - what if none of it was real? What if I just made you up, because you couldn't be this good and still exist? But... I realized something, I guess.
fact* And proced he couldn't make that promise*
What did you realize? [ He didn't want to cover the is this real part. He knows there is no way in hell he could make anyone like Jim up, but...
This place found a way to keep whispering that addition. It keeps turning everything he knows on it's head and making him feel hopeless at times. It made him hesitate every so often on if he really is going the right direction or can help anyone at all.
Because you couldn't be this good and still exist...
His breathing stills as he waits for Jim to finish what he's saying. Bumping his dry lips against his boyfriend's hair line. ]
no subject
-I realized that it didn't matter. Not really.
[ That's not quite right. Of course it matters - fear wouldn't still be coursing through him in waves if it didn't - but it's getting closer. Jim tries again: ]
It - if I made you up, or if all of this is a computer and we're not really here... then it was still worth it. Whatever this is, I'm glad to have had it.
much dramatic whoa
He refuses move from this position in case this was it. In case Jim was saying good bye or something. Curling his fingers into fists as he waits for Jim to finish what he's saying.
Then the rest of the words are out. He sucks in a breath and feels himself relaxing once again. It's still worth it. It's all still worth it to Jim and he's glad to have had it. ]
Stars. [ He couldn't help that sob or the ache in his voice as he buries his face the side of Jim's neck. Just give him a few moments to cry and shake all over again.
Taking in a shuddering breath as he tries to figure out how to word again. ] It's worth it to me, too. You're worth every bit of this place. [ And more. So much more. ] Even if we fade... [ Adjusting his arms to give a squeeze. ] Even if we vanish after this, I want to go with you. I want to vanish with you. [ If they are to go or be erased at the end of this night, then he wants it to be together. He wants to fade with Jim. ]
i've had 2.5 hours of sleep this may be gibberish
Then, it changes. Zell is sobbing in his arms, and Jim’s only seen him like this a handful of times – maybe never this bad. He’s trembling and Jim’s neck is wet with tears and so are his eyes, now, because he’s certain he’s broken something important, but.
But no, he hasn’t. For once he hasn’t, and this thing that they have – as fragile as it feels in the face of today – continues on even when it seems impossible. ]
I –
[ He chokes on his own tears. He is sharply aware that even if this isn’t the end, something else could be, for either of them. And they’d have to go on. ]
-I don’t want you to ever vanish. Even. Even with me, Zell, you can’t - Don't ever go out.
your tag is a good <3
I can't do this without you, Stars.
[ Pulling him close again as he shakes his head. ]
I don't want to do this without you.
no subject
[ Jim's muffled by Zell's jacket where he's buried his face, but then he's fighting away to stare at Zell, stubborn determination written all over his face. ]
You have to. There's a chance... even if we keep our promise, do everything together, there's a chance you could make it out of here without me.
[ A good one, even. There's been a death for every day they've been here, and most of them haven't come back. ]
But you can't ever give up.
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I won't ever give up. I won't ever give up on you. [ If Zell is the one who survives this hell, he will wait for Jim to wake up. Like he does everyone else, but much longer. He'll find a way to save him. ]
I'm going home with you and you're going to meet my ma. [ There is no ifs, buts, or maybes. It's going to happen. There will be a way to save him. ]
Let me do that at least, Stars.
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Instead he takes a deep breath - the kind that rocks his whole body as he slowly lets it out - and closes his eyes against the tears that threaten again. ]
Okay.
[ He wants that, more than anything. ]
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Come here. [ Hooking an around Jim to pull him against him. He buries his face against his shoulder. ]
Stay with me. [ It comes out muffled. It's not clear if he means that night, or if he's referring to long term. ]
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I'm trying.
[ If it's in Jim's power, he isn't going anywhere, and he hopes Zell knows that. Because there's nothing else to say, he starts to hum the same song he'd sung to Zell over the tablets the night they'd been forcibly separated. ]
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Pressing a kiss against his shoulder. ]
That's good enough for me. [ With that, he starts humming along. ]